It is amazing how many months it took me to go back to that situation and realize that it had impact on me and my future decisions. I mentioned in my previous post that I struggled and still do, to have a child. Back in 2011 I decided to meet with a doctor to see if everything is ok. At that time, I wasn’t thinking about having children right away. I treated it as a checkup visit. Oh I was so wrong!
I have seen gynecologists before but I never had any ultrasound or specific tests done. No one ever suggested and I wasn’t thinking that I should, must, need. The gynecologist that I met was someone who was recommended by my friend’s friend. She was very quick, asked necessary questions and did some tests, did ultrasound of my stomach and transvaginal one too. She also told me that I was “too fat” for my height. Wow, that I didn’t expect. Well I wasn’t the skinniest one but call me too fat…? I accepted what she said as I have always struggled with accepting my weight and I always go up and down in weight. I was surprised that she was so straight forward, too straight forward for a doctor. At least that is what I think. But I still went back to her as I needed to hear the results. And what I heard was…devastating but the way she said it, was even worst. I found out that everything is ok with my ovaries and I can have a child but…. I have bicornuate uterus and basically I won’t be able to hold a pregnancy. She also added that surgery is dangerous and she is not going to recommend it until I have three miscarries. Then it will be justified. As I started to cry she handed me a tissue box, still was writing something in her papers and then said…”and as I said you are too fat too, see you next year. No other recommendations, no other testing, nothing! Ahhh! I was too devastated to learn that if I get pregnant I will have miscarriage … and will have to have three of them to have surgery… to think about the way she spoke. Few years later as I think about the situation …I feel angry that … what she said was wrong (wrong diagnosis)… and that she felt it was ok to speak to me that way. Many times I wanted to go back to her, just to tell her how her behavior affected me. When I was very, very, very angry… I wanted to sue her so she will understand how her… “specific way of being” (I don’t know how to call it otherwise) affects others. I also was wondered if there was anyone if my situation who heard similar information and then gave up on trying or checking with another doctor.
It took me over a year to go back to another doctor to get totally different diagnosis. My uterus was not bicornuate but I had septum uterus. Surgery was recommended pretty quick, everything was removed but … I found out that my ovaries are not fine as the other doctor said but that I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, my hormones are off among some other things. The journey began then and continues to this day.
What was my point of this? I think that in order to understand why and how much this process is stressful, difficult and painful for any women in similar situation, is to talk about all this small and big things that happen in this journey (as I call it).
Until the next time…